Title: "Adventure Time and Its Inevitable Existential Consequences"

Logline: This show will focus on the existential crises and inner anguishes of Finnikov, a childlike adult man who plots many violent and reckless adventures (primarily murder) just to see if he has the ability to feel anything. Episodes will shift perspectives between Finnikov and his dog, Jakeovich, who may be a figment of Finnikov’s imagination.

I have two cats. They are (adorably) named after jazz musicians (Satchmo and Coltrane), and they basically dominate my life. There was an article in The New York Times this weekend about how cats should not be allowed to go outside, because they are murdering birds, and spreading disease, and for lots of other reasons. This article successfully made me feel like a terrible person, but I am never going to make my cats live indoors. That would be like inviting your boyfriend to move in: the relationship would deteriorate almost instantaneously.